NEHM and THE DRAGON
Once upon a time there was a man named Nehm. This man had three magic gold rings. One let you fly, one gave you as much food as you could eat, and the third gave you as much orange juice as you wanted. Nehm was proud of these rings, and he flew from land to land giving people food and orange juice from his magic rings when they needed it.
To activate these rings, he needed to first rub his forehead, then wiggle his nose , and then twizzle his ears. Then he said “Alakazam!”, to get orange juice “Alackabarber!” to get food and “Dammitwhydoesntthisringwork!” to fly. (The magician who had given him the rings while enchanting the last one). And so Nehm flew, and made everyone happy with food and orange juice, and tried to tell children why they shouldn’t say “Dammit”.
One day as he was flying over a kingdom he heard a great wailing sound. Nehm, wondering what was happening, flew around the kingdom to find out. What he saw was extremely disturbing. He saw that all the male children in the kingdom were crying, and that all the male villagers in the kingdom were crying, and that all the male soldiers in the kingdom were crying, and that all the male servants in the kingdom were crying, and that all the male nobles and royals in the palace were crying, and that all the females in the kingdom, every single one of them, looked very angry indeed.
Nehm decided to go to see the king in the palace to find out why the kingdom was in such a state. He had no problem getting in, because all the guards were male and they were too busy crying to stop him. Nehm went straight to the courtroom and found the King sitting on his throne, bawling like a baby. The Queen was sitting on her throne, next to him, for that is what the Queens do.
Nehm asked the Queen, “Your Highness, what is the cause for all this sorrow among men? No doubt it is a terrible spell that has been placed on the people, is it not?”
The Queen sniffed. And then she harrumphed. And then then she sniffed. And then she sneezed, because the male servants were too busy crying to dust the room.
“Noble Nehm,” the Queen said, for she had met Nehm before, “It is more like a spell has been lifted.”
“Ah!” said Nehm, sagely. “You speak in riddles.”
There was a pause.
“Er, do you mind explaining, because I can’t make head nor tail of it!” asked Nehm, perplexed.
The Queen harrumphed again, but she did not sniff, because Queens quickly learn to learn quickly.
“There was a witch here who, by her devilish arts, stole herself the face of an angel. Every man in the kingdom was entranced by her beauty. But she was kidnapped by a terrible dragon who had heard of her great beauty, and has locked her in a tower, waiting for men to come and rescue her so he could eat them. Since the witch has dissappeard, all the men have been crying over her loss.”
Nehm immediately cried out, “Oh! Gracious Queen, tell me where this dragon is, so that I may seek him out and rescue this fair damsel and bring happiness to the kingdom!”
The Queen replied, “The dragon lies fifty miles east of here. It lives in a black castle, with black gates and black rooftops and black towers, amidst black clouds and black forest with black flowers.”
“And how will I know this dragon?”
“It will be pink.”
“Ah, yes, for the co lour of evil is – I beg your pardon?!”
“The dragon is pink. That’s why it surrounds itself with black.” The Queen shrugged. “It had to compensate somehow.”
Nehm stared at the Queen. Then he said, “Well, I will be off, to slay this terrible fierce and … pink … dragon!”
Then he rubbed his forehead. Then he wiggled his nose. He twizzled his ears. And, in a deep booming voice he said, “Dammitwhydoesntthisringwork” and flew off toward his black destination.
As soon as he was gone, the Queen remarked, “He shouldn’t have used such language in front of the Queen. And his ring was working quite well.”
For fifty miles Nehm traveled, until he saw the black castle, with its black gates and black Rooftops and black towers, amidst black clouds and in a black forest with black flowers. He noticed that the Queen had failed to mention the black grass, the black rivers and the black bones and black armour of the knights who had tried in vain to save the damsel. Nehm shivered. He knew pink dragons were the fiercest of all, as they have to do more to protect their reputation. He knew that he would have to use all his cunning, all his wits, and all his caution to survive it. So, landing inside the gates, he immedieately started screaming at the top of his lungs.
WHUMP! WHUMP! WHUMP! went the flapping of large, giant wings as the dragon approached. Nehm stood still on the black grass, eyes widening. The dragon was indeed pink. It also, instead of having scaly scales, was fluffy.
“Who dares disturb me?” roared the dragon. “Ah!, I see you, human, shivering in fear
in front of me!” Nehm was, in fact, shaking from the effort of not laughing. A pink and fluffy dragon? Now he had seen everything! When Nehm had finally gotten himself under control, he addressed the dragon, pink and fluffy though it was. “Oh great and mighty dragon, of the black castle, with black gates and black rooftops and black towers, amidst black clouds and in a forest with black flowers and black grass and black rivers, maker of the black bones and sorrow of men, I come for you.”
The dragon was speechless. It had never been flattered so much before. It blinked. Nehm continued. “I have a gift of three magic rings for you.”
The dragon asked, “And what do these three rings do?” Nehm said, “I will show you.” Then he rubbed his forehead. And he wiggled his nose. And he twizzled his ears. And he said, “Alackazam” and suddenly, there was a fountain of orange juice. The dragon drank and drank, and drank and drank, and drank and drank, until he could drink no more, and even the fire that all dragons breathe was put out.
The dragon licked his lips and said, “Ahh, that was quite refreshing. Now what does the second ring do?”
Nehm said, “I will show you. “Then he rubbed his forehead. And he wiggled his nose. And he twizzled his ears, and he said, “Alackabarber!” and suddenly there was a banquet of food. The dragon ate and ate, and ate and ate, and ate and ate, until he could eat no more and was too heavy to even fly.
The dragon burped and said, “Ahh, that was quite tasty. Now what does the third ring do?” Nehm laughed and said, “I will show you!” Then he rubbed his forehead. And he wiggled his nose. And he twizzled his ears. And he said, “Dammitwhydoesntthisringwork!” and suddenly, he was flying. Nehm flew and flew, and flew and flew, and flew and flew, until he could no long hear the dragon saying, “I don’t get it. The ring seemed to work perfectly,” and could see the tower the witch was in.
Nehm had not been prepared for her breathtaking beauty. Hovering outside her window, it was some time before he was able to say, “I have come to rescue you. Every male in the kingdom is crying over your loss.”
The witch pouted the most beautiful pout in existence. “I am tired of these men. This beauty is driving me crazy. But, please, get me out of here first.”
Nehm obediently did so, and flew her fifty miles west, back to the palace, where the crying could still be heard. And then the witch did a great magic. She drew some ancient runes on the palace floor, and chanted some ancient rhymes, and boogied some ancient dances, (“just for good luck” she told Nehm). When she was finished, she clapped her hands thrice. Instantly, the sound of a kingdom crying ceased, for, as the witch explained to Nehm, she had stolen the faces of angels for every female in the kingdom.
She turned to Nehm. “Now I am no longer special. What’s to become of me?”
“You could travel the world? Meet new people? See new places?”, suggested Nehm.
“Would you take me to those places?”
“I assure you, nothing would give me greater joy or pleasure.”
And so it was settled. And there was great rejoicing throughout the kingdom, amongst every male and every female, in which Nehm and the witch joined in. There was food and orange juice for all, and everyone lived happily ever after, except for a few who happened to die and go to Heaven.
They were in for a nasty shock. Oh well, you can’t please everyone.
THE END
Once upon a time there was a man named Nehm. This man had three magic gold rings. One let you fly, one gave you as much food as you could eat, and the third gave you as much orange juice as you wanted. Nehm was proud of these rings, and he flew from land to land giving people food and orange juice from his magic rings when they needed it.
To activate these rings, he needed to first rub his forehead, then wiggle his nose , and then twizzle his ears. Then he said “Alakazam!”, to get orange juice “Alackabarber!” to get food and “Dammitwhydoesntthisringwork!” to fly. (The magician who had given him the rings while enchanting the last one). And so Nehm flew, and made everyone happy with food and orange juice, and tried to tell children why they shouldn’t say “Dammit”.
One day as he was flying over a kingdom he heard a great wailing sound. Nehm, wondering what was happening, flew around the kingdom to find out. What he saw was extremely disturbing. He saw that all the male children in the kingdom were crying, and that all the male villagers in the kingdom were crying, and that all the male soldiers in the kingdom were crying, and that all the male servants in the kingdom were crying, and that all the male nobles and royals in the palace were crying, and that all the females in the kingdom, every single one of them, looked very angry indeed.
Nehm decided to go to see the king in the palace to find out why the kingdom was in such a state. He had no problem getting in, because all the guards were male and they were too busy crying to stop him. Nehm went straight to the courtroom and found the King sitting on his throne, bawling like a baby. The Queen was sitting on her throne, next to him, for that is what the Queens do.
Nehm asked the Queen, “Your Highness, what is the cause for all this sorrow among men? No doubt it is a terrible spell that has been placed on the people, is it not?”
The Queen sniffed. And then she harrumphed. And then then she sniffed. And then she sneezed, because the male servants were too busy crying to dust the room.
“Noble Nehm,” the Queen said, for she had met Nehm before, “It is more like a spell has been lifted.”
“Ah!” said Nehm, sagely. “You speak in riddles.”
There was a pause.
“Er, do you mind explaining, because I can’t make head nor tail of it!” asked Nehm, perplexed.
The Queen harrumphed again, but she did not sniff, because Queens quickly learn to learn quickly.
“There was a witch here who, by her devilish arts, stole herself the face of an angel. Every man in the kingdom was entranced by her beauty. But she was kidnapped by a terrible dragon who had heard of her great beauty, and has locked her in a tower, waiting for men to come and rescue her so he could eat them. Since the witch has dissappeard, all the men have been crying over her loss.”
Nehm immediately cried out, “Oh! Gracious Queen, tell me where this dragon is, so that I may seek him out and rescue this fair damsel and bring happiness to the kingdom!”
The Queen replied, “The dragon lies fifty miles east of here. It lives in a black castle, with black gates and black rooftops and black towers, amidst black clouds and black forest with black flowers.”
“And how will I know this dragon?”
“It will be pink.”
“Ah, yes, for the co lour of evil is – I beg your pardon?!”
“The dragon is pink. That’s why it surrounds itself with black.” The Queen shrugged. “It had to compensate somehow.”
Nehm stared at the Queen. Then he said, “Well, I will be off, to slay this terrible fierce and … pink … dragon!”
Then he rubbed his forehead. Then he wiggled his nose. He twizzled his ears. And, in a deep booming voice he said, “Dammitwhydoesntthisringwork” and flew off toward his black destination.
As soon as he was gone, the Queen remarked, “He shouldn’t have used such language in front of the Queen. And his ring was working quite well.”
For fifty miles Nehm traveled, until he saw the black castle, with its black gates and black Rooftops and black towers, amidst black clouds and in a black forest with black flowers. He noticed that the Queen had failed to mention the black grass, the black rivers and the black bones and black armour of the knights who had tried in vain to save the damsel. Nehm shivered. He knew pink dragons were the fiercest of all, as they have to do more to protect their reputation. He knew that he would have to use all his cunning, all his wits, and all his caution to survive it. So, landing inside the gates, he immedieately started screaming at the top of his lungs.
WHUMP! WHUMP! WHUMP! went the flapping of large, giant wings as the dragon approached. Nehm stood still on the black grass, eyes widening. The dragon was indeed pink. It also, instead of having scaly scales, was fluffy.
“Who dares disturb me?” roared the dragon. “Ah!, I see you, human, shivering in fear
in front of me!” Nehm was, in fact, shaking from the effort of not laughing. A pink and fluffy dragon? Now he had seen everything! When Nehm had finally gotten himself under control, he addressed the dragon, pink and fluffy though it was. “Oh great and mighty dragon, of the black castle, with black gates and black rooftops and black towers, amidst black clouds and in a forest with black flowers and black grass and black rivers, maker of the black bones and sorrow of men, I come for you.”
The dragon was speechless. It had never been flattered so much before. It blinked. Nehm continued. “I have a gift of three magic rings for you.”
The dragon asked, “And what do these three rings do?” Nehm said, “I will show you.” Then he rubbed his forehead. And he wiggled his nose. And he twizzled his ears. And he said, “Alackazam” and suddenly, there was a fountain of orange juice. The dragon drank and drank, and drank and drank, and drank and drank, until he could drink no more, and even the fire that all dragons breathe was put out.
The dragon licked his lips and said, “Ahh, that was quite refreshing. Now what does the second ring do?”
Nehm said, “I will show you. “Then he rubbed his forehead. And he wiggled his nose. And he twizzled his ears, and he said, “Alackabarber!” and suddenly there was a banquet of food. The dragon ate and ate, and ate and ate, and ate and ate, until he could eat no more and was too heavy to even fly.
The dragon burped and said, “Ahh, that was quite tasty. Now what does the third ring do?” Nehm laughed and said, “I will show you!” Then he rubbed his forehead. And he wiggled his nose. And he twizzled his ears. And he said, “Dammitwhydoesntthisringwork!” and suddenly, he was flying. Nehm flew and flew, and flew and flew, and flew and flew, until he could no long hear the dragon saying, “I don’t get it. The ring seemed to work perfectly,” and could see the tower the witch was in.
Nehm had not been prepared for her breathtaking beauty. Hovering outside her window, it was some time before he was able to say, “I have come to rescue you. Every male in the kingdom is crying over your loss.”
The witch pouted the most beautiful pout in existence. “I am tired of these men. This beauty is driving me crazy. But, please, get me out of here first.”
Nehm obediently did so, and flew her fifty miles west, back to the palace, where the crying could still be heard. And then the witch did a great magic. She drew some ancient runes on the palace floor, and chanted some ancient rhymes, and boogied some ancient dances, (“just for good luck” she told Nehm). When she was finished, she clapped her hands thrice. Instantly, the sound of a kingdom crying ceased, for, as the witch explained to Nehm, she had stolen the faces of angels for every female in the kingdom.
She turned to Nehm. “Now I am no longer special. What’s to become of me?”
“You could travel the world? Meet new people? See new places?”, suggested Nehm.
“Would you take me to those places?”
“I assure you, nothing would give me greater joy or pleasure.”
And so it was settled. And there was great rejoicing throughout the kingdom, amongst every male and every female, in which Nehm and the witch joined in. There was food and orange juice for all, and everyone lived happily ever after, except for a few who happened to die and go to Heaven.
They were in for a nasty shock. Oh well, you can’t please everyone.
THE END
2 comments:
Heh heh, look at me, i'm teh first one to comment!! think i already told you this, but let's immortalize it in ... uh ... onscreen.. really funny.. like the Queen especilly.. nice characterization.. and can totally see Nehm as this idiotic noble hero type.. waiting to see more bout him..
oh.. wait i forgot.. the pink dragon.. (long pause while i laugh).. and laugh again.. pink dragon.. :)
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